Guide to weeds

From my limited gardening experience, I have developed a short list of things to use as a rule of thumb for evaluating whether or not a plant is in fact a weed:

• If your yard is covered in it, it's probably a weed.
• If you see it all over your neighborhood, it's definitely a weed.
• If it looks nice from far away but ugly up close, it's probably a weed.
• If you can't identify it from plants at the nursery, it's probably a weed.
• If it has shallow roots, it's probably a weed.
• If it is the first plant to green in Spring, it's probably a weed.
• If it can grow in the driveway, hard clay, and a puddle, it's a weed.
• If it grows healthier, taller, and bigger than other plants, it's a weed.